So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
