The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
