I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
