he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
