so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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