Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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