So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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