I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
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New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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