I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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