You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
