so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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