I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Mom said you looked used
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
