You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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