My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
