there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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