I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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