so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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