my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
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