I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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