I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
