four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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