Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
