some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
