my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
