Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
