Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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