CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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