Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
