Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
