I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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