look no pants
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
