You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
