how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
