3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
