Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
farters have to be the big spoon...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
