i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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