i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Randomize
