WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
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Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
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I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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