when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
