Your mouth is God's brothel.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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