Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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