so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
