My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
