It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
