No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
