I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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