She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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