so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
