I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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