I wish I only lived at night.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
