I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
