I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
