i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
