Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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