I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I would ride that face into the sunset
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
