the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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