ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
