Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
